Invasion of the Fake Lifeguards

One thing that being forced to queue for hours behind the hordes of emmets in the Co-op gives you the chance to do is read their backs. One of the things the emmets are doing this year to make themselves fit in with the locals is to buy red hoodies with yellow writing on the back that says 'St Ives Lifeguard' which underneath has THEIR OWN NAME printed, completing the illusion that said emmet (usually about 12 years old) is a St Ives Lifeguard called Tom or Elliot or Jessica. Some take the familiarity thing a bit too far, like I saw one on Porthmeor beach the other day that said 'St Ives Lifeguard TASH' on it, which I thought sounded vaguely rude. Quite what these stupid emmets imagine one of these hoodies is going to do for them escapes me. Do they think that some distressed woman's going to run up to them and say "Oo, quick 'St Ives Lifeguard Josh' (or whoever) my husband and four children are all being swept away in a rip current, please rescue them!" or what? Don't they think that anybody stupid enough to imagine that somebody about 4 foot tall carrying a polystyrene bodyboard with a shark on it might actually be a lifeguard isn't going to think twice when they realise they are only about 12 years old and from Birmingham? Haven't they noticed that REAL LIFEGUARDS don't wear hoodies with their names on the back?