I See Wed People

You know in that film The Sixth Sense when the little kid sees all these dead people nobody else can see? It felt a bit like that on Porthmeor yesterday. I was just walking down the rampy bit down to the beach, next to where the lifeguards sit to watch the girls through their binoculars, when I see these two people who've obviously just got married. He's in a cream suit and she's in this big cream dress cut really low at the front with no back, showing off her sun bed tan, that dragged in the sand as she walked. It was all frothy at the bottom, she looks like an upside down Mr Whippy. She's trying to hold it up out of the sand and you can tell at first she's really worried about getting it messy, but he's trying to get her to stand on one of the yellow swell boards that's lying on the sand in front of the surf school, so that they can have their photos taken. And eventually she stands on it with him on the sand, and and they both stand there in stupid Scooby Doo and Shaggy surfing poses that they imagine makes it look as if they're surfing but really just makes them look like total dorks. Then they go down to the edge of the sea, with this big stupid dress dragging in the sand and sweeping up the bits of seaweed and fag ends, and stand there while this dickhead buzzes round them like a fly taking photos. And I'm watching them and trying to imagine what these photos will look like, because standing behind them, while they're posing and looking all lovey-dovey, are all these emmets in the sea with bodyboards, and those of them that aren't wearing wetsuits look all red and purple with the cold, and and they're going to be in the photos as well. And then the obvious happens, and the newly-weds stand where the tide's coming in just a bit too long, and she gets her stupid dress wet, and they laugh ha ha ha because they want everybody to know that's the sort of people they are.

What - twats who spend hundreds on a stupid dress to wear for half an hour and then go and get it wet in the sea? Who get married in the full white dress and cream suit but want to have their photos taken on the beach in their wedding gear just to prove what cool and unconventional guys they are? Hey, and we even went on a surfboard in our wedding gear - yeah, a kook emmet's hireboard foamy that no real surfer would be seen dead on. Yeah, and they've got the photos to prove it. Real surfers would have gone to Bali or somewhere to get married, and then decide they couldn't be arsed and just go surfing anyway.

I made sure I wasn't in any of the photos myself, but I was thinking (in a way that they obviously weren't) while I was watching them that these two have already managed to embarrass their kids before they are even born.