The Many Heads of God or whoever

Great. The GUESTS who were in my room for the last two days (two old people at that) have gone off this morning and when I went in to check everything was OK I discovered that one of them had broken the head off my laughing buddha. When I asked my mum she said she didn't know what I was talking about, and no they hadn't said anything to her about it.

I had got very fond of my laughing buddha. Since I bought him we'd gone through a lot together, what with the whole Trev thing and so on. I could talk to him like I couldn't talk to my mum or dad. I've searched all over my room but there's no sign of his head either, so I can't even try to stick it back on with UHU.

Without a head, a laughing buddha loses his identity. Whatever he was before, without his head he's just a headless fat bloke. Where he was friendly, and I felt safe talking to him, now he's gross and well, a bit pervy to be honest, what with his man boobs hanging out and everything.

So what I've done is cut the head off of an old Action Man and I've glued that on instead. It's just about the right size, so doesn't look too bad, except obviously it's not a laughing buddha anymore as Action Man's face is a bit scowly and he's got this big scar on his cheek and he isn't bald like buddha either. I'm going to spray him gold all over so that at least his body and his head are the same colour.

Will that turn him back into buddha? That got me thinking, because obviously buddha didn't laugh all the time, so just the fact that he isn't laughing any more shouldn't be a problem. In some ways I think I'll prefer confiding in a buddha with a bit more gravitas than one who looked as if he was pissing himself at my worst fears. Or will he just look like an Action Man who's let himself go a bit, paralysed by drink, self-doubt and post traumatic stress?

When I think back, I remember it was a toss up between buying the laughing buddha and a little Ganesh, who I liked because he's got an elephant's head and a name that reminds me of Dennis the Menance's dog. I'm glad I got the buddha now, because if the Ganesh had got his head broken off, I think it would have been a lot harder to replace. If the worst comes to the worst with buddha once I've sprayed him gold, I can always turn him into a Christmas decoration.