Now everyone report to the dance floor

I will NOT go into the details of why I haven't BLOGGED for some months, suffice it to say that having put me in a very compromising position involving ANOTHER WOMAN, my girlfriend acccuses me of having an INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP with my Hostage Negotiator, and goes for me with a hammer.

I ask you, my Hostage Negotiator, she is probably 40 and smokes rollups. (So much for the Stockholm Syndrome). Anyway having held me hostage and then gone for me with a hammer, I am definitely not going out with her any more. (My girlfriend that is, well I say girlfriend, NOT ANY MORE, not my Hostage Negotiator.)

I call her that because after all those days I never got to find out her name. All I know her as is MUM, because about three or four days after it all kicked off (I think it might have been Christmas Day, actually) and I was just chilling on the roof and looking out over Godrevy and having a bit of a rest from chucking slates down into the street below, she'd given me her mobile to ring my dad, and it rang and it was one of HER kids ringing her who just said 'Is mum there?' She looked a bit embarrassed when I said 'It's for you' and threw the phone down to her. Anyway she was pretty cool, and we played UNO which is a bit shit with just two people to be honest, especially when one of them's sitting on a roof and the other one's standing in the street, but at least she listened to me. Then she made the mistake of getting me to come back down into my bedroom, and talk to my girlfriend WHO IS WHY I WAS THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. That was when the unfortunate incident with the hammer happened.

To be honest, comas aren't what they're cracked up to be in films either. I saw Eastenders on the telly the other night first time for months, that Jack Branning(can't believe Bradley's dead, shows how dangerous it is to go up on roofs even when your girlfriend ISN'T a psychopath secreting a hammer in her bra), you watch, he's been shot in the head, he was in a coma for about ten minutes, and I bet he'll be up and about in a few weeks, you mark my words.

I think my Hostage Negotiator and I will be friends forever, although she hasn't been round since I got out of hospital. In fact she hasn't been in touch at all, but that's understandable because she said has to keep quiet about her job. Not even her kids know what she does, mind you I don't know what my mum does either (nothing). I thought I seen her in the Co-op the other day, but they say that's part of my illness, like seeing Robbie Williams. I think now when I leave school I would like to be a Hostage Negotiator instead of a postman.